January 31, 2009

Men’s Restroom

     So this rant has been a long time coming . . . there’s a good chance that there is more hatred in this post than there should be . . . but please understand.
     I have the blessing of having what some would call an over industrious digestive system . . . seems I spend more time in the bathroom than I do out of it but that’s the way of it and I’ve come to terms with that fact.  What I’ve not come to terms with is the lack of decorum that I’m subject to on a daily basis.  Now this may sound like a bunch of worthless belly-aching and perhaps on the larger scope of things it is . . . but like I said, it’s a rant, and thus I rant.
     First off . . . men don’t talk in the restroom . . . this is somewhat of an environment rule meaning that it depends on your environment . . . take the restroom at Wrigley . . . I’d imagine quite a bit of talking goes on in there but it probably does not go beyond a greeting and perhaps a box score comment or something.  Then there’s the restroom at church . . . same here, greeting, maybe a nod or something but that’s about it.  Unless of course it’s the 2 pastors then that’s a whole other thing that’s better left unsaid.  (we really need to find them a conference room)  Then there’s the restrooms where I work and in this matter I would consent to a greeting or an exchange of brief pleasantries . . . but beyond that there should not be a word spoken.  How is it then that I am subject to such conversations on a daily basis . . . what makes it more fun is they are not talking to anyone.  Many times I have been enthroned and someone will enter the bathroom talking under their breath.  I would understand if this conversation stopped once the releasing of one’s fluids began but NO, it’s as if they find something more to talk about.  It’s not music . . . it’s just nonsensical chattering . . . no reason behind it . . . just talking.  I’m so tempted to quote a line from an old Steve Martin movie “All of Me” where a gentleman tells him, “Play with it pal, but don’t talk to it”.  To make matters worse these same individuals typically leave with out washing their hands . . . mercy . . .
     Second, cleanliness.  Dang . . . I’m serious.  Why in the world is it so hard to miss such a large target?  Moreover . . . why is it so hard to clean up said miss when you make the mess?  Now hey I’m a guy and I know all about mis-directed spray but as a dude I know I don’t want to come back and have to perform a file dump with my pants sitting in someone elses misfire ya know?  Speaking of file dumps, why when you’re sitting there on the can would one pick their nose and wipe it on the wall or the toilet paper holder . . . seriously!?!?!  You’re sitting right next to tissue and on top of a place to put said tissue!!!  I just don’t know what to say . . .
     So when the ladies go on about how gross and nasty men can be . . . there are times that I have to agree.  I don’t know why or how to explain the talking . . . and the nastiness I guess one could attribute it to laziness.  I just wish I could figure out who the nasty people were so I could go and pee on the back of their pants or blow my nose on their desk.  But the people who talk to themselves . . . I think I’d just call the Psych doc or something . . . at least give them some rubber gloves . . . just stop it.

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