So for those of you who know me personally outside of this forum know that I got some rather disappointing news on Tuesday. I’m not quite sure why I find it so disappointing . . . well I guess I do know why but I’m a bit at odds as to why it effected me as much as it did. The response shocked me as oh so many thought that I was the perfect fit. Apparently according to those making the decision I’m not and thus I was turned down.
But that just means I’m not what they were looking for to fill the vacancy, it’s nothing personal right? Why then does it feel so personal? Why does it feel like I’m not good enough or the work that I do is not enough? This certainly does not behoove me to do more, if anything I’m urged to do just enough to get by. After all it seems to work so well for everyone else. Perhaps it is because I’m too nice of a guy and as someone pointed out maybe I’m too valuable in my current position.
Whatever the case may be I am still first and foremost a follower of Christ. My membership in the Kingdom of God is something that cannot be damaged, harmed, or revoked by anyone. No matter what people’s opinions of me may be that has to be where my focus and source of joy comes from. I regret to say that I was obviously disappointed, shocked, and maybe a little angry yesterday. I’m still not all that happy about it all but it is what it is. This serves as another reminder that where I am is no where near where I want to be and in turn it spurs me on to get to be where I ‘want’ to be.
In a week I’ll be told the “why” but by then it won’t really matter. I’ll need to focus for now on rejoicing for the one who did get the post. Oh I’ll show up and do my job because it’s what is inside of me. As much as I’d love to be someone who just ‘gets by’ I can’t be. It goes against my very nature. Besides, whether I like it or not I’m well known and well liked at my current vocation and with that comes an expectation of who I am. Those who know me know that I’m a follower of Christ and if such news were to really shake my foundation then what could be said about the foundation upon which I stand.
In the end, I can honestly say that I don’t care. Oh I’m human and prone to fail; it’s not the emotion but the reaction that matters. In truth this whole thing does not matter in the grand scheme of things and time will tell the real reason of ‘why’. But for now I find comfort in Psalm 4 and James 1:19-22.
Psa 4:1-8 ~
To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments. A Psalm of David. Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer! (2) O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame? How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? Selah (3) But know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD hears when I call to him. (4) Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah (5) Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the LORD. (6) There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of your face upon us, O LORD!” (7) You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. (8) In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.
James 1:19-22 ~
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; (20) for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (21) Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. (22) But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.