September 26, 2010

Breaking the rear view

     I've been in an odd mood for the past several weeks.  I think it's effected by several things that are currently going on in my life.  I'm not going to go into them in this type of format; I've learned that I need to reign in how I deal with things that bother me.  I used to write a good bit and I recently wrote an article that helped me deal with something that was plaguing me for a while now.  I marked it private so it wouldn't be displayed to the world, but my wife ran across it and wanted to read it.  I never thought about her reading it so I got the advice of someone and decided that I should go with my gut and delete the post rather than to let her read it.  I didn't say anything bad or negative concerning my wife in the post; just talked about things that if taken the wrong way may end up causing her pain and I can't stand the thought of that.  That's why I went through my collection of stories and shorts that I'd written over the years and tossed anything that had something to do with my past.  The only ones I kept were ones about dad or dealt directly with me and were not attached to another person.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think my wife is weak nor do I think that any of these will have upset her; I just won't run the chance.  Besides, what purpose do they really serve?  Who cares how well it's written or if there's a good use of alliteration or a pithy comment or two; once it's out it is out and the purpose is served.  I used to think that looking over the stories would help remind me of my past and where I've come from; instead their connections to emotions that should have long ago been dealt with and still yet should be dead all together.

     So I punched the rear view mirror and sent it flying into the garbage.  There are no back ups, no copies hanging around, it's all gone.  Part of me feels like I've cut away a load of heavy stones that I'd been carrying while another part of me feels as though I've cut out my heart.  I'm a smoker that doesn't smoke, a drinker that doesn't drink, a gamer that doesn't game, a lover that doesn't love, and a writer that doesn't write.  All have been stripped away, the frame remains ready to be rebuilt.  It's going to be interesting to see where this goes.  Of the stories that did make it out of the purge alive I'll be posting them on here, depending upon the content they may be marked private.  If you'd like to see them you'll have to follow the instructions that will be listed.